I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
