It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
