I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
