I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
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