May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
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