i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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