what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
