be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
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