Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
