either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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