i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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