The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
