If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
