In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
