Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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