whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
