Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
