I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
