I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
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Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
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A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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