did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
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Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
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