Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
