they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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