I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
