you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
