i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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