whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
