If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
