Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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