Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
