i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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