tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
