I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
