ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
