Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
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Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I believe in your delicious
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize