You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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