I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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