This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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