I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
