I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
