Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
