If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
they're like a gay fantastic four
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
i believe in u and ur pee
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
