wakey wakey hands off snakey
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Houston, we have a blender
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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