I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
