From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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