I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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