our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
