you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
