We're facebook friends in real life
Banned from zoo.
Again?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Randomize
