i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
