good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
