allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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