Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
