Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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