Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize