i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
