My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
