Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
