Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
